“These are the hands of Michelangelo…”

It still doesn’t make sense, but it sure as hell never stops being funny. I love how much the cast of Work Out loves themselves. Jackie’s narcissism, Rebecca’s narcissism, Jesse’s narcissism and Brian Peeler’s über narcissism are kind of confusing in how they’ve survived two seasons of seeing how atrocious they can appear on camera, but you’ve got to admire them for soldiering on. Especially those trainers, who, for all of their complaining, really have no problem orbiting around Jackie Warner like the radiant lesbian sun she is.

They do love her. They also love to hate her. As long as they’re talking about her, their emotions are pretty much an afterthought. Rarely do you see a crowd of people so deeply consumed by one person. Obviously, this has a lot to do with the fact that their minor fame hinges on their relationship with the owner of their gym and the star of this show. But Jackie’s thrall reaches more than just her employees though. A startling number of articles came out about the many folks who cannot get enough of her just before the premiere of the third season.

… A season that has one big problem. New people! New people with no reverence for Jackie or a desire to talk about her! I cannot abide these folks and I request their removal immediately. Other than Jackie’s sweet new assistant, all three additions to the Sky Sport staff seem unnecessary and lack any semblance of a personality – catty or otherwise.

They are fun to look at though. And, after all, the real success of Work Out is that it’s one of the only shows on television that does not facilitate laziness. It’s impossible to watch these hot bodies and not be at least a little motivated. And if they can spare just a handful of viewers the pain of being unfit and the absurd cost of a Sky Sport membership, isn’t it all worth it?

Of the countless reality series chronicling life in high school to pop up in the past couple of years, none looked like it would more closely resemble my own secondary education than The Paper. Not because I was on the school newspaper (I totally was), but because no other show has chosen to focus on the neurotic, obsessive and socially inept. Those Laguna Beach kids may have lacked substance, but at least they were well put together. And in high school, that’s all that matters.

The Paper goes beyond exploitative entertainment and actually charms in its honest portrait of how insufferable it is to be this age, regardless of status. The cruelty, the confrontations and the backstabbing that you’re used to seeing from the more popular set are just as prevalent in this crowd as they are in any, and the tone is a strange amalgam of Spellbound (2002 spelling bee doc and aspergers exposé) and either of the High School Musicals. The latter is accomplished with the help of Amanda, the (spoiler!) editor in chief.

Amanda’s need to constantly talk or sing and her unholy drive make her the most annoying character on the series, but her staff’s treatment of her also makes her the most endearing. She probably deserves a comparison to Election’s Tracey Flick, just without the tendency for sexual manipulation. The rest of the cast is even more easily labeled. There’s the silent second in command (who’s probably the most likely to go on as a journalist); the snotty girl who’s probably a few social rungs above the rest of them but a few too short to be a cheerleader; her oafish boyfriend whose motivation for joining the paper is purely carnal; and a budding homosexual with a penchant for dramatics. I guess there are a few others, but I lied about easily labeling them. They’re wallpaper.

The first episode comes together so well, it seems odd that no one thought to capitalize on this idea before. Everyone who’s ever been on a newspaper or yearbook staff, or been in close proximity to their classrooms, knows that these extracurriculars breed a kind of crazy unlike anything else you find in high school (with the notable exception of drama kids, but that’s been overdone and isn’t remotely as relatable for adults). Thankfully, The Paper looks to be an accurate representation of this, as well as a reliable source of meltdowns, feuding and ADD - all the while sparing us the gratuitous references to Los Angeles clubs, restaurants and stylists we’ve never heard of that plague certain other series. It may actually bring back a touch of authenticity to MTV’s prefab prime time lineup.

Within the first five minutes of Vh1’s ¡Viva Hollywood! I realized that I know nothing about Hispanic American popular culture. Almost just as soon it became clear that my life is seriously suffering for that fact. The show is the newest in a crop of reality competitions debuting on the cable network this month, and it follows 12 aspiring latino actors vying for their big break in telenovelas. I avoid “celebreality” like the plague, but there’s something strangely authentic about a bunch of catty amateurs duking it out for an opportunity to join an industry not known for its great talents. Also, the floating head of some famous transvestite psychic pops up occasionally to explain the shows many challenges.

For one hot minute of my adolescence, I was in love with telenovelas. I found the idea of sensationalized smut in a foreign language to be a worldly and wildly entertaining cultural outlet. But you can only watch so many seemingly arbitrary face slaps before just getting frustrated with your own ignorance. Had I been exposed to Dora The Explorer as a child, maybe my obsession would have stuck, but I am a product of the 80s. It’s a wonder I can ever speak English.

Now, however many years later, that obsession could very well be revived. Every element of ¡Viva Hollywood!, from the challenges, to the scantily clad cougar judge, to the ridiculous things people accidentally say when they’re speaking a second language is so fall on the floor funny, I can barely stand it. Even the eliminations are groundbreaking in their ludicrousness (you know, by reality standards). The contestants have to go into a confessional booth and basically curse the one they want to face elimination - but not without begging god’s forgiveness before they go. Then, after the bottom two perform some impromptu, tear-sodden soliloquy, the judges play a video of them acting in a fight scene. Whoever dies in the scene must go. “Esta muerto!”

I won’t pretend that there are any redeeming qualities to this show, or that any of you would be bettered by watching it, but it isn’t often that I am legitimately surprised by how entertaining something is. ¡Viva Hollywood! delivers. This extremely long trailer doesn’t even begin to do it justice, but you get the idea.

If I’m not mistaken, your face is looking a lot like this right about now. “No posts in weeks, and he’s returning with five solid days of reality coverage and reviews?” I know, I know, it seems like a dumb idea considering all of our scripted friends are finally up and running, post-strike. But this is a HUGE week for reality TV. Guilty pleasures are returning, old favorites are calling it a day and there’s finally a show exploiting the hilarious horrors of high school newspapers. Sit back, relax and prepare to register as little brain activity as possible without actually requiring life support. It’s MLTV’s first Reality Week!

So many favorites are back! 30 Rock, The Office, Bones and, before you know it, we’ll even be getting an extra-speedy US run of Doctor Who. Read about them and others…

• Buzz reminisced about the greatest game shows of the late ’80s and early ’90s — anyone remember I’m Telling? (Buzz Sugar)
• This week Sandie teases us about her visit of the set of Moonlight with a picture of Alex O’Loughlin and of Jason Dohring, as well as a clip from Alex O’Loughlin’s interview. There will be more to come soon! (Daemon’s TV)
• Getting excited about the return of Doctor Who? Anna celebrates by remembering what made the third season so great. (Pop Vultures)
• Bored now? Kill a few minutes of your day fantasizing about your own TV network. (RTVW)
• Carrie Underwood singing George Michael? Sure, why not, it’s for charity. (Scooter McGavin’s 9th Green)
• Vance outlines some better alternatives to popular (but bland) shows. Watch Everybody Hates Chris instead of According to Jim. Watch Bones instead of NCIS/CSI:Pick you city/Numb3rs. It’s for your own good. (Tapeworthy)
• While Jace was thrilled for the return of 30 Rock and The Office this week, he caught up on reading pilot scripts, including ABC’s Good Behavior, from Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas. (Televisionary)
• What in the world? Dan writes a letter to God wondering why Project Runway is making the switch from gay wonderland Bravo to housewife haven Lifetime. (TiFaux)
• Ashley evaluated TV’s best villains and you may be surprised who made the list. (Tube Talk.)
• The TV Addict uncovers ABC’s top-secret programming strategy for MEN IN TREES [The TV Addict]
• Raoul talks to Sharon, a.k.a. Barbie, from “Hell’s Kitchen” (TV Filter)

A variety of important things aired on TV this week. Like Galactica, Galactica, Galactica… and, oh wait, Galactica!

Posted: April 6th, 2008 under links.
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